Knives, Depression and Nail Polish

Why the name?  Well, it wasn't my first choice but it was a title available and I think it best described me.  While I do suffer from depression that is not my only diagnosis.  I also have PTSD and Anxiety. Now, when I say anxiety I mean severe anxiety.  The type that makes you feel like you are dying because you can't breathe, you lose sight and you can't tell anyone what is happening because you cannot speak.   The knives go with the PTSD.  It seems that there are two reasons I cut both having to do with me trying to take control.  One occasion involves memories that won't stop bad memories that cause a great amount of emotional pain so to control it I transfer it to physical pain.  I cut deep and seeing the blood run down my arm brings pleasure and relief.  There might be something very primitive to this practice where in the 15th century they used a practice called blood letting.  It was the practice of releasing blood when people were ill it was believing that draining blood would also draw out the illness.  I am sure there are cultures that still use this practice for healing. It might be an innate urge we all have in some it lays dormant in others it doesn't.  I know I am still not over the cutting until I can stop carrying a switch blade I am in danger.  I just do my best to shield myself from certain things.  The cutting was much worse two years ago.  It has now been five  months since I cut and I only surface cut so that alone is great progress.  I know soon I will have to give up the knife.
Oh, the nail polish.  I do a blog on nail polish.  It was weird that I would paint my nails and you would   only see my hand if anyone would have seen what was above that they would have freaked out.  At first I was really competitive and did at times wonder why does this blogger have more followers than me, I would post more and try to get vendors  to provide me with samples and I think if I would have kept up I would have had a lot of vendors giving me polish but then I just thought this is not fun.  My favorite indie polish vendor sends me polish and I am so grateful to her.  I have another favorite but I don't think she sends polish to anyone but the biggest blogger and that is OK.  One day.  I still but buy polishes from both and pretty much just stick to buying only their polish but
writing this blog made me feel like I was in some way working and has given me the confidence to do this one.  Then comes the big project.  I don't talk about it but I work on it almost every day.
My life was not supposed to be like this yet but I sometimes when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.
Smile,
Patty